Sheryl Crow Solves Global Warming Problem!!

That's right, folks. Sheryl Crow has come up with a brilliant, two-part plan to curb global warming. The hours of sitting on the "Biodiesel Bus" touring the country to raise awareness have given her plenty of time to come up with a plan.

Not only is it simple in execution, but it's so very easy for each of us to do on our own, with only minimal government intrusion into our personal lives!

The first step of her ingenious plan:

"I have spent the better part of this tour trying to come up with easy ways for us all to become a part of the solution to global warming," she wrote on her Biodiesel Bus Blog.

"Although my ideas are in the earliest stages of development, they are, in my mind, worth investigating.

"I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting," she suggested.

"Now, I don't want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where two to three could be required," she wrote.

That's right, folks. A simple ban on overuse of toilet paper, along with the placement of single-sheet toilet paper dispensers in every public and private restroom in the nation, complete with monitoring to determine whether someone is overwiping, is the first part of Crow's Global Warming Prevention Plan.

Never mind the volume of energy required to construct all those monitoring dispensers and place them in hundreds of millions of bathrooms. Never mind that toilet paper becomes sewage sludge, used as fertilizer. This will curb global warming, by . . . um . . . well, it just WILL!

I suggest we all carry about a plastic scraper, for use prior to the use of our single sheet of toilet paper. Yes, yes, I know. Energy invested in 300 million scrapers . . . perhaps we can share?

Lest you lose faith in Crow, she has the second part of her Plan in place already. In this, she works out her renowned fashion designer chops!

Crow also commented that paper serviettes "represent the height of wastefulness" and that she'd designed a "dining sleeve" that's detachable and can be replaced with another 'dining sleeve' once you've used it to wipe your mouth.

That's right. Banning paper napkins, which do end up in landfills, is the second half of Crow's scheme. Instead, each of us will cart about multiple extra shirtsleeves, and wipe our mouths and clean up spills with our clothing! Then, of course, after a date, we can just toss those extra sleeves into our Sleeve Carrying Bag, and put on new ones.

I believe that this "dining sleeve" falls short, however. We could go so much farther.

I propose we add a "snot sleeve" as well, and ban tissues. Yes, since folks like Crow are accustomed to places which only have paper napkins, and wiping their mouths upon their sleeves, they should be quite happy to do the same with their noses!

In fact, we can trace global warming back to Napoleon, who added buttons to the sleeves of his soldiers' uniforms to stop their nose-wiping. Ever since, waste and global temperatures have increased steadily. See the connection? Obviously, Crow missed this crucial step which will allow her plan to succeed in curbing global warming.

Wait, you say, why do we not just use cloth napkins and handkerchiefs? Well, that would seem an adequate solution, but both of those are already in use. We need something new, and it has to be designed by our new savior, Sheryl Crow.

All she wants to do is have some fun. And save the environment. Would you deny her?